Once an are ...

In Memoriam - Remembering my joy - Day 1 on the Appalachian Trail - Feb. 14, 2013

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; 
because a could-be is a may be who is reaching for a star. 
I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; 
for a might-have-been has never been, 
but a has-been was once an are." ~Milton Berle

I stumbled upon the quote above. It has given me pause to think with a more positive perspective. Although these last 8 weeks of resting and waiting for my foot to heal have afforded a lot of time to think  - in fact, more time than I'd really like, some of it was not very positive. Because of a foot injury I became a 'has-been' on the journey to Katahdin for 2013. 

Usually, when we think of a has-been, it is negative -- "One that is no longer famous, popular, successful, or useful."  But Milton Berle puts a positive spin on it; don't you think? As I dreamed about and planned for the journey, I was first a could-be, then a may be, a has-been and then an are as I reached for the star of Katahdin. I was never a might-have-been because I set out on the journey and completed 415 miles and so I was "once an are." I'm sure if an English teacher reads this, he/she will cringe but, hey, are rhymes with star. And for a little while, I reached for the star of Katahdin and I was 'once an are'. 

I shot for the star but ended up on my couch. I've been suffering from a bit of depression, I think, but trying not to indulge in a pity party. I expect the abrupt cessation of the mood- enhancing endorphins released through vigorous exercise caused a deprivation in my brain and altered my mood. I was doing 12-14 miles a day on the Appalachian Trail and then went to practically no walking at all. I tried the cycle classes at the gym for a couple of weeks but eventually gave in to the depressed mood. Carb cravings were enormous and I gave in to those too. I suspect my body is trying to get back to its before-hike weight. You may have heard about the "set-point theory" on weight. Yuck!

Yesterday, I received a call from a friend and hiker mentor, Bruce. It was great to talk with him. He called to see how I was doing. We had a good chat. I do my best thinking "out loud" (rather than alone, quietly in my head) so as Bruce and I spoke about hiking and the future, no decisions were made but I felt better afterwards. Yesterday, I also received a note in my guest book on Trailjournals from Corky. That was a surprise too. I didn't expect any one would continue to follow my journal because my hike had ended. The last note had been on May 30th when Mnt Mom commented on my foot picture and thanked me for "my witness and grace-filled insights"; she ended with "there are many roads to the big K." Sweet comments which I very much appreciated. I don't know Corky but he/she wondered how I was doing, was I healing and asked me to write an update. The note ended with "Take care!"  

I had planned to write one last entry in summation OR to write that I was heading back to the trail this week after getting the OK from the foot doctor. I was pondering flipping ahead to N.J. and heading to Katahdin for a summit by Sept. 15th and then flopping back to N.J. and heading South back to Dennis Cove Rd. before it got too cold. That would have been a strange thru-hike but I thought it might be a way for me to continue.

After walking 7 miles around town yesterday, I think my right foot is about 80% back to feeling normal. I have some stiffness in the forefoot and in the middle of my arch but the "hike-ending" pain has gone away (hopefully, to stay away for good).

 When I broached the plan today at my doctor appointment, he said he would not recommend going back to the trail this week. He asked me to continue to take it easy until mid-August or perhaps the first week in September and then I could return to the trail. As much as the AT continues to beckon to me, I don't want to risk a re-injury. So the above planned return for an attempted thru-hike in 2013 is no longer a possibility.

When the rain subsides a little, I'll don my pack and go to Sweetwater Creek State Park and walk some of the trails there to test my foot on some rocks, roots and slippery stuff. 

There is a possibility that I may yet hike another long distance trail before the end of 2013. Time will tell if another pilgrimage awaits ... friends are headed to the Camino. If my foot has healed, I could join them.

Austin Repath - Pilgrim Cards

 So Much More - You are ready to give up. But you have come such a long way. You have gleaned so much wisdom from being true to your path. There is no need to rush ahead, no need to strive mightily. Covering a great distance is of no consequence. All this you know. You know also that the goal of the pilgrimage is not the arrival, but the transformation that comes from being open to the road. Be at peace with what hasn’t come into your life. Be receptive to what may yet be. Let the hard place within you soften and melt into a warm easiness with where you are, who you are, and what you are about. Leave yourself open to that deep wellspring of being. Know that at the bottom of the pit, which you are convinced is little more than an echoing void, lies the source of life itself. Let its grace rise up within you. You are so much more than you know.  


Thank you for your prayers; they have sustained me. Would you please lift up in prayer all those dedicated to finishing a thru-hike or a section hike of the Appalachian Trail this year. It's been a really rough year weather wise and does not seem to be improving. Those who remain on the trail have certainly been gifted with fortitude -- Strength of mind that allows one to endure pain or adversity with courage. I pray they continue to persevere and summit Katahdin.

Plan B ?

 "The only thing you do control is how you respond to your disappointments and your unexpected obstacles."  Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would? by Pete Wilson.

 On Friday, May 24th, at 7:30 in the morning I went for the MRI on my right foot.  It took about 30 minutes and I had a good conversation during that time with the MRI tech. She has a brother who recently completed his BA in Nursing and another brother who finished his Pharmacy Degree. They are both looking for employment ... I promised to pray that job offers would be forthcoming for them soon.

Today, May 30th, was my appointment with the Podiatrist to learn the MRI results. My appointment was scheduled for 9:30 am. I took my Kindle so that I could read while I waited. I had the pleasure of reading for 45 minutes which sure beats the alternative of looking at the clock and losing patience.  What was I reading?  Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would? by Pete Wilson.

The findings:  1) moderate to high grade active plantar fasciitis, 2) attenuation of the medial aspect of the second MTP plantar plate with questionable small partial tear. 

It's No. 2 that ends my dream of a planned thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail in 2013.

For those who like the details:

The treatment:  Rest

Follow Up:  Return in 6 weeks. My appointment is July 11th. 

I told the doctor I didn't have a Plan B. His reply - "The Appalachian Trail will always be there; it isn't going anywhere." 

So, what now?  I have accepted the situation. "Acceptance takes you out of resistance. It is not giving up. Acceptance is not resignation. 'It's getting clear about what the reality is, to allow the moment to be without any resistance whatsoever,' says Martha Beck. (Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People by Polly Campbell). Psychologist, Carl Jung, said "What you resist, persists. But acceptance is freedom."

Polly Campbell writes "When you don't accept things as they are, you are pushing up against the Universe, trying to unravel what's done, wishing away what already is. This is exhausting and it makes no sense. To make choices from this place is akin to buying a pair of jeans you've never seen; who would do that?"

"Optimalists shift, adapt, change their goal if necessary, but they keep going. They persevere because instead of being stymied by the setbacks, they deal with them. They hope for the best, know the worst is a possibility, and then they work with whatever appears." (Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People by Polly Campbell). So, I am choosing to work with my current situation.
  
The Appalachian Trail journey removed 15 lbs. of fat from my post-menopausal body and for that I am immensely thankful and grateful. I asked the doctor what I could do exercise wise because I'd like to keep the present status quo. I'll be going to the gym for upper body weight work and some lower body weight work and hopping on the exercise bike. Spinning classes can be great calorie burners and aerobically challenging so I'll see what's offered at the gym. I'll be riding my mountain bike around town with G-4 too. Being outdoors is my cup of tea.

As I pedal and huff and puff and wait on healing, I'll think about the mountains and balds I have climbed, the wonderful people I met on and along the Appalachian Trail, as well as the beauty of it all. I'll probably re-read the guest book entries and emails, offers of prayer and encouragement from people I've never met and from those I know. Unless you have been a recipient of such support, you'll never understand what those have meant to me. I'll shed some tears and continue to seek God's will for my life knowing that whatever He permits is for my good.

Pete Wilson writes "People automatically assume if they're going through a Plan B crisis they must have misunderstood or reinterpreted God's will. There is no magical equation. It's often a matter of trial and error. Sometimes we get it all wrong. Sometimes we have no clue whether we're getting it right until much later." He says "knowing God's personal will for our life, knowing his specific will for your life, is not a science."

Mr. Wilson recounts the story from Acts 16 and Paul's intended trip to Asia which did not work out. Paul was "kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching in the province of Asia. Did Paul get it wrong? He ends up in Troas and doesn't know what's next. He doesn't know the what, when, and where but he he does know his purpose, his mission -- to bring glory to God with his life."  

"God's will: it's as much about the person we're becoming as it is about where we're going."

Erwin McManus said "The process of becoming the person God wants us to become usually doesn't come from success, success, success. It's loss, success, failure, success, heartbreak, success, disappointment, success."

I won't be climbing Katahdin at the end of a thru-hike this year but I hope that I can continue to grow in bringing glory to God with my life wherever He leads me.

I give you thanks and praise, Lord, for this precious journey on the Appalachian Trail and all who you have brought into my life because of it. I love you.

Transition

"I simply could not hike the trail without the help and protection of God. Some days I must have fallen a dozen times. Without those falls, I could have developed an unbearable pride in my own abilities."  Blind Courage by Bill Irwin



When I began to journal and blog about hiking the Appalachian Trail, I promised that I would keep my readers informed as expeditiously as possible.  This past week since returning home, I have been silent because there was nothing much to report. I saw my primary care doctor who took x-rays of my knee and foot.  The knee remains a little swollen from the fall on May 7th with retention of fluid; the foot showed no stress fracture but my right foot looks a little different from my left (the 4th toe is separated and I can't bend my toes on that foot).

I've been taking  Aleve, elevating and icing and resting. Yesterday, the podiatrist examined my foot and also looked for a stress fracture. If my insurance allows, I will have an MRI.  Stress fractures can be difficult to see early on. 

It's been a strange transition to go from walking 10-14 miles a day on the Appalachian Trail, following the white blazes to sitting/laying on the couch inside my home and walking as little as possible. There are no white blazes in my home.  So, what have I been doing to pass the time? I've been looking at the pictures and videos I have taken on the traiI. At some point I want to make a slide show/video set to music. I have been following blogs and trail journals of people I have met on the trail and praying for them. I have watched some television in the evening. I have been reading two books -- Hinds' Feet on High Places Devotional  (The Original and Complete Allegory with Devotional) by Darien B. Cooper and Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People by Polly Campbell.  In a way the books compliment one another. Both speak to me about my present "sidelined" situation. They have become white blazes. God has marked this trail for me too; His blazes are in the Bible as well as in the books.

Polly Campbell uses the story below in the introduction to her book. I wonder how God might be using my idleness as I wait for my foot and knee to heal? Like the pot, I am broken.

The Broken Pot 
 
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on an end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. 

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. 

"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."  "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"  "I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts." the pot said. 

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure. 
 
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pots side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house." 

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father's table. In Gods great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws. 

Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness your strength is made perfect. (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

In the days ahead, as I continue to wait on the Lord, wait on the MRI and for my body to heal, I'll share reflections that have nourished my spirit from both books. I don't know what the future holds for me concerning the Appalachian Trail but God knows and I am content to wait on the Lord.