Once an are ...

In Memoriam - Remembering my joy - Day 1 on the Appalachian Trail - Feb. 14, 2013

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; 
because a could-be is a may be who is reaching for a star. 
I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; 
for a might-have-been has never been, 
but a has-been was once an are." ~Milton Berle

I stumbled upon the quote above. It has given me pause to think with a more positive perspective. Although these last 8 weeks of resting and waiting for my foot to heal have afforded a lot of time to think  - in fact, more time than I'd really like, some of it was not very positive. Because of a foot injury I became a 'has-been' on the journey to Katahdin for 2013. 

Usually, when we think of a has-been, it is negative -- "One that is no longer famous, popular, successful, or useful."  But Milton Berle puts a positive spin on it; don't you think? As I dreamed about and planned for the journey, I was first a could-be, then a may be, a has-been and then an are as I reached for the star of Katahdin. I was never a might-have-been because I set out on the journey and completed 415 miles and so I was "once an are." I'm sure if an English teacher reads this, he/she will cringe but, hey, are rhymes with star. And for a little while, I reached for the star of Katahdin and I was 'once an are'. 

I shot for the star but ended up on my couch. I've been suffering from a bit of depression, I think, but trying not to indulge in a pity party. I expect the abrupt cessation of the mood- enhancing endorphins released through vigorous exercise caused a deprivation in my brain and altered my mood. I was doing 12-14 miles a day on the Appalachian Trail and then went to practically no walking at all. I tried the cycle classes at the gym for a couple of weeks but eventually gave in to the depressed mood. Carb cravings were enormous and I gave in to those too. I suspect my body is trying to get back to its before-hike weight. You may have heard about the "set-point theory" on weight. Yuck!

Yesterday, I received a call from a friend and hiker mentor, Bruce. It was great to talk with him. He called to see how I was doing. We had a good chat. I do my best thinking "out loud" (rather than alone, quietly in my head) so as Bruce and I spoke about hiking and the future, no decisions were made but I felt better afterwards. Yesterday, I also received a note in my guest book on Trailjournals from Corky. That was a surprise too. I didn't expect any one would continue to follow my journal because my hike had ended. The last note had been on May 30th when Mnt Mom commented on my foot picture and thanked me for "my witness and grace-filled insights"; she ended with "there are many roads to the big K." Sweet comments which I very much appreciated. I don't know Corky but he/she wondered how I was doing, was I healing and asked me to write an update. The note ended with "Take care!"  

I had planned to write one last entry in summation OR to write that I was heading back to the trail this week after getting the OK from the foot doctor. I was pondering flipping ahead to N.J. and heading to Katahdin for a summit by Sept. 15th and then flopping back to N.J. and heading South back to Dennis Cove Rd. before it got too cold. That would have been a strange thru-hike but I thought it might be a way for me to continue.

After walking 7 miles around town yesterday, I think my right foot is about 80% back to feeling normal. I have some stiffness in the forefoot and in the middle of my arch but the "hike-ending" pain has gone away (hopefully, to stay away for good).

 When I broached the plan today at my doctor appointment, he said he would not recommend going back to the trail this week. He asked me to continue to take it easy until mid-August or perhaps the first week in September and then I could return to the trail. As much as the AT continues to beckon to me, I don't want to risk a re-injury. So the above planned return for an attempted thru-hike in 2013 is no longer a possibility.

When the rain subsides a little, I'll don my pack and go to Sweetwater Creek State Park and walk some of the trails there to test my foot on some rocks, roots and slippery stuff. 

There is a possibility that I may yet hike another long distance trail before the end of 2013. Time will tell if another pilgrimage awaits ... friends are headed to the Camino. If my foot has healed, I could join them.

Austin Repath - Pilgrim Cards

 So Much More - You are ready to give up. But you have come such a long way. You have gleaned so much wisdom from being true to your path. There is no need to rush ahead, no need to strive mightily. Covering a great distance is of no consequence. All this you know. You know also that the goal of the pilgrimage is not the arrival, but the transformation that comes from being open to the road. Be at peace with what hasn’t come into your life. Be receptive to what may yet be. Let the hard place within you soften and melt into a warm easiness with where you are, who you are, and what you are about. Leave yourself open to that deep wellspring of being. Know that at the bottom of the pit, which you are convinced is little more than an echoing void, lies the source of life itself. Let its grace rise up within you. You are so much more than you know.  


Thank you for your prayers; they have sustained me. Would you please lift up in prayer all those dedicated to finishing a thru-hike or a section hike of the Appalachian Trail this year. It's been a really rough year weather wise and does not seem to be improving. Those who remain on the trail have certainly been gifted with fortitude -- Strength of mind that allows one to endure pain or adversity with courage. I pray they continue to persevere and summit Katahdin.